*read all of the chapters for Swipe Right – The Chronicles of an Unpaid Prostitute in order here

Chapter Twelve


Thursday night I met Luke after work at the apartment he shared with his roommate. He ordered food for us from someplace he insisted on down the street. It was my treat, I insisted. I don’t know why, I was trying to be nice, expecting him to refuse. He didn’t. As the food arrived, he brought me my favourite drink, vodka tonic with two slices of lemon. “You were paying attention.”

“I was,” he grinned. Luckily the roommate wasn’t home and we could be as loud and naked as we wanted. Unfortunately I was more naked than I was loud. The sex was okay, not as good as I remembered. I got up off his bed feeling the need to pull on my pants – I’d learned my lesson with the Carlos incident. I hadn’t even gotten my jeans over my hips when he asked, “Are you on birth control?”

I stopped what I was doing. “No, why?”

“Are you planning on going on birth control?”

“No,” I said slowly. “Why?”

“Because I don’t want to wear condoms anymore,” he stated, almost as if I should have known the answer.

“Excuse me?” I pulled back trying to make sense of what he was saying. “I made my ex-boyfriend wear condoms the entire time we were dating and that was for five years.”

“So what are you saying? That you don’t trust me?”

“No I don’t fucking trust you! We’ve been seeing each other for five minutes, how do I know you’re not sleeping with other people?”

“I’m not.” He actually had the audacity to look offended.

“Yeah, okay, let’s pretend we believe that. Then how do you know I’m not sleeping with other people?” he didn’t know what to say. I continued, “Regardless, you want to fuck me, you wear a condom. That’s the rule, my friend. Unbreakable.” I finished getting dressed and stormed into living room wanting to be away from him. I sat on the couch, pissed. He sauntered out of his room, taking his sweet ass time as he buttoned up a shirt he’d thrown on.

“So what, you’re upset now?”

Nice. Now? I just wanted to leave. “Do I look upset to you? No, I don’t get upset, I’m pissed. And I’m leaving.”

“Listen, I don’t want you to leave pissed, it was just a question. Let’s forget it okay?”

“Fine, but I’m tired. I have to get up early in the morning.”

“Okay, but before you go, I wanted to ask you something.”

“What?” I asked, exasperated.

“Um, well, you know how I just got back from the Dominican. That trip kind of took a toll on me and I was wondering if I would be able to borrow some grocery money?”

Up to this point, I would have said no had someone asked me if I was a violent person. I stared at him, flexing my fists, waiting for him to say he was joking. He wasn’t. I really wanted to laugh it was so outrageous. Seriously, his dick was not good enough to ask me that question. “Yeah sorry, fresh out of cash – spent it all on your dinner tonight.” I turned to leave. “Oh and Luke?”


“Lose my number.”

Driving away, I pulled out my phone and broke the law. I texted my girlfriends – one hand on the wheel, one desperately typing this ridiculous nightmare. In caps lock.

Friday I was still riding my rage and apparently it was obvious. Saturday morning I work up to a message: wake up bitch, we’re going on an adventure.

My girlfriends were waiting on my front steps as I walked outside an hour later. “Care to tell me where the adventure is taking us today?” I was promptly handed a fanny pack and a disposable camera. “What the hell is this?” It was then I realized they all had the same.

“Today, we explore our great city. Today we are tourists,” Lisa told me proudly.

“And if we don’t hurry, we are going to miss our ride,” Angela chimed in. I laughed, my friends were idiots and I loved them. We walked down the street and there waiting for us and twenty five other people was a red double decker bus. By the end of the day I had a sweet ass tan, a camera full of goofy photos and a smile.

*tomorrow – Chapter Thirteen

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s