*read all of the chapters for Swipe Right – The Chronicles of an Unpaid Prostitute in order here
“Hi Sweetheart, how’s it going?”
“Good, just at work. How about with you?”
“Oh it’s going, but you caught me at a bad time, love. I have an appointment downtown in an hour.”
“What’s your appointment for?”
“Just about the hall for Mimi’s party. You know how terrible I am at keeping secrets, I don’t know how I’m going to keep my mouth shut for the next couple of months.”
I laughed. “You’ll be alright.”
“You’re still coming home next weekend right?”
“Yep, booked my ticket a few days ago.”
“Perfect. Okay honey, I’ll call you later.”
I hung up with a sigh. Since I was seven, it had been the three of us; me, Mom and Mimi. My dad decided having a wife wasn’t for him and although it wasn’t the worst divorce in the world, that same courtesy extended to his daughter. He’d moved away and his idea of keeping in touch was calling twice a year to check in. He certainly didn’t deserve any medals but he was mine. In his absence, my childhood was female strong, bracketed by fierce, independent women. Women that I looked up to in every way and adored with all of me. They instilled in me liberation, resilience and sass. Which reminded me, I had an appointment to get my lady bits waxed.
Eyes closed, spread-eagled, a chipper blonde halo between my thighs. That was my current position. “What were you thinking, darling? American, French, Brazilian?”
“Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?” I asked in return, completely confused.
“No, how much did you want to take off?”
Oh. Just like my heart I wanted it empty. “Take it all.”
Climbing the stairs to my apartment, I stopped and took a deep breath. Jeans were not a good idea. “Hey girl, what’s going on?” Jamie asked, stepping into the hall.
“I need to ice my vagina.”
“Oh, that sounds like fun. I’d love to help but I’m going to go grocery shopping. Need anything?”
Peeling the horrendous denim from my legs, I fell onto my bed, naked from the waist down and relished in the heaven. Lazily, I reached down and grabbed for my phone. Opening up the only app that was receiving any attention on my phone recently – it was annoyingly addictive. “Yuck,” swipe left. “Yucky,” swipe left. “Even yuckier,” swipe left. “Oh, hellooo there,” swipe right, good sir. Should I feel guilty? I didn’t. But I did have a date tomorrow with someone else and I was looking at other men, albeit gorgeous, cute men. And I wasn’t tied down to Mr.Fun2BeWith, I didn’t even know his real name. I looked up to the ceiling and pondered, searching my conscience for any niggle of guilt. Nope, nothing. I was single damn it, I deserved my time to mingle. Alright, pep talk over.
A chat window opened and there he was, Mr. Fun2BeWith. “Hey gorgeous. Making sure we’re still on for tomorrow.”
I smiled, biting my lip like a little school girl. “Yes, definitely.”
“Great. So I was thinking we could go for a walk down by the water and grab something to eat while we’re down there.” It sounded good, relaxing, no expectations, no awkward moments staring at each other across a table over food we were desperately trying not to spill on ourselves.
“That sounds like a plan.”
“Good. I’ll text you the address where to park.”
“Okay. See you tomorrow.”
I’d spent more than two hours getting ready, my room was a disaster, a hurricane of clothes covering every surface, my floor littered with makeup, the eye of the storm in front of my full length mirror. In my car, my nerves were a ten on the Richter scale as I listened tentatively to the instructions from my GPS until I heard “You have reached your destination.” Nervous was an understatement. I felt like I was going to be sick. Getting out of the car, I pulled down my skirt, one my mother would tsk and give a disgusted sigh about. Smoothing down my hair I reached for my phone to let Mr. Fun2BeWith know that I was here. Before I could press send, I looked up and felt my knees buckle. Damn Daniel! The man’s pictures didn’t do him justice. Walking toward me he was a tall drink of water in stylish jeans and a black long-sleeved shirt showing just a hint of what looked to be delicious muscles underneath. Jackpot! I mentally gave myself a high-five.
He smiled as he got closer and suddenly I was in his arms, his lips at my ear. “Hi Gorgeous.” Pulling back, he looked at me up and down and as his eyes found mine I’d felt like I’d just passed some sort of unspoken test. “Alex.”
I grinned, shaking his outstretched hand. “Maddie.”
I fidgeted as he stood in front of me, looking at me like he wanted to eat me alive. Well let’s go big boy, let’s do it. He pulled me in for another hug. “Want to skip the walk?” he asked, murmuring into my hair. I could only nod my agreement. Taking my hand Alex led me through the cluster of buildings to his. Interesting that he didn’t mention he actually lived here. The elevator ride was silent. I didn’t know if the quiet was awkward or it was just me. It was my first real date in forever, what was I supposed to say? Just as I opened my mouth to ask him a question, a lame one, but one that would end the silence, the elevator doors opened and I followed him out. Walking into his condo, I stood in the front entry impressed with the modern clean lines. Throwing his keys on the table, he looked over his shoulder with a devil’s grin. “Have a seat.” Doing as I was told, I sat on the edge of the grey leather couch listening as he sang to himself in the kitchen. Emerging, he had two drinks in his hands and if I were honest with myself, I didn’t care what was in them as long as it was alcohol. I needed something to calm my nerves before I made a total ass of myself.
I held mine up to his. “Cheers.”
He nodded. “Cheers.”
After twenty minutes and three drinks, I found myself on my back with his tongue down my throat. Surprisingly, shockingly, finally. I was certainly not complaining; he had to be one of the hottest guys I’d ever laid her eyes on and he wanted to kiss me. Me. I tilted my head back with a sigh as he started kissing my neck. Grabbing the hem of my shirt, he moved to pull the thin fabric over my head in one swift movement. My skirt was next as he almost simultaneously produced a condom. Damn, the man moved fast. Yeah he was hot, but I wasn’t, not yet. Not even heavy petting? Dude thought kissing my neck was foreplay. Frustration and a sense of misery started to settle in. And oh boy, that’s disappointing, I thought as he took his pants off and rolled a condom over himself, gripping himself and staring at me with pride. I had no idea where the pride came from, this certainly was no Guinness World Records. Did he want me to congratulate him on his less than stellar manhood? I had vibrators bigger than him. Which was already clear I’d be using later. Maybe this would be the case of ‘its not size that matters, its how they use it.’ Five minutes later it was clear he didn’t know how to use it either as I lay naked on the couch staring up at the ceiling, not even panting. “Do you need to go clean up?”
I squeezed my eyes closed, pretending for just a moment that he didn’t just ask me that. No! My mind screamed. Instead I smiled tightly and went to the washroom, to what? Stare at my sexually frustrated self. I did not want to be there anymore. I counted to sixty, going through his mundane medicine cabinet to waste time pretending I was ‘cleaning myself up’ only to walk out finding him coincidentally stretching and yawning. Ripping off the band aid, I beat him to it.
“Listen, I have to get up early tomorrow so I should head out.” His immediate surprise was of little victory. Moving to the front door, I slipped my shoes on.
Scratching his chest, he frowned, almost as if he was unsure of what to say. “Well I should walk you to your car.”
I wasn’t an idiot. It was dark and I was wearing a skirt whose length screamed prostitute. “Yeah, probably.” He walked me down to my car in silence and as I started to move for my door, he pulled me in for a hug. “We should do this again,” he murmured.
“Maybe!” I slipped into my car before he could say anything more and left him standing on the sidewalk as I drove away.
I fell onto my bed completely and utterly unsatisfied. My phone chirped a familiar sound from inside of my purse. Grabbing it, I opened the group chat and read each of the follow the leader questions in varying forms of ‘Maddie… we need details.’
I blew out a rough breath. How do I explain? ‘Polls are in… size does matter,’ I typed back.
‘You did not have sex with him! Omg, deets, now!’ Lisa wrote. ‘I’m assuming that because you’re home, he was on the losing end of the size game,’ Jamie typed from the next room, both her and I too lazy to move from the comfort of bed.
‘Ding, ding. I’m going to sleep now, hoping this is a terrible dream. Sweet nightmares. Xo’
Taking a look at myself, I realized I was still in my clothes. Forcing myself up with a huff, I quickly stripped and staring at the bathroom, felt the need to brush my teeth. I contemplated a shower but let’s be real, that was just too much work and I was considerably lacking in enthusiasm.
My phone lit up with a notice from one of the dating apps as I attempted to brush the cooties out of my mouth. The new message icon stared at me judgingly. Shrugging my shoulders, I gave into the curiosity and opened the folder. It wasn’t that he was attractive, or that he spoke sweet nothings, it was out of some misplaced need for attention in my time of sexual suffering that made me start talking to him. That or probably because I’d realized this newfound shallow self and he’d told me I was pretty – fuck anyone’s judgement, everyone needs a pick me up sometimes.
“How’s your night going?”
“It could have been better,” I replied, deciding to leave out the part about why.
“I’m sure I can make it better.” I waited to see what he would come up with – a flower emoji and a hugging bear. I rolled my eyes before noticing there was an attachment. Without thinking, I opened it. Dick pic. My first dick pic! Again, I wasn’t sure why this was an accomplishment to be proud of. Maybe because it was a pretty penis. I sent him my phone number.
*tomorrow – Chapter Seven